Humpty Dumpty and Madhuri

Picture this. A pumpkin on two legs imagining itself to be as graceful as Madhuri Dixit and trying to do a tumka .(For the ignorant ,it’s a kind of hip gyration in which u try hard to dislocate ur hip).Or Humpty Dumpty trying to a sexy belly dance, trotting up and down the wall…
Deadly, is it? Well…that’s what how it seemed to me also.
5 months of staying stuck to my chair in response to the complaint my client had abt me taking frequent breaks has started showing its impact .A nice roly-poly roll of fat on my tummy…and every other part of my anatomy looks the same. Like my cousin lamented its humiliating…..albeit the humiliation is still pretty private…but something tells me that if I don’t fix it or ignore it then someday its gonna be rather public..
And so started a desperate attempt to do crunches…Typically crunches are supposed to be when u roll forwards with ur head and shoulders towards ur tummy…and are the best exercise for the tummy…but only if u can do crunches….Now when I did crunches,my head came off the floor and there the crunch stopped, except for my grunts, of course, which rose and fell thru an amazingly flexible decibel range guaranteed to give any pig a run for its money. My shoulders stayed glued to the floor .Now before u guys start saying “What , u so fat?”, lemme tell u.No…its just that roll and ….my helpful hubby who decided that I had to get the maximum benefit out of each crunch and had me clasp my fingers behind my head. And that was it.Then he tried to get me to do another ab exercise which involved me lying flat on the ground, lifting my legs up, holding them in the air and then bringing them down slowly. Pretty simple, right? Except for the fact that my legs refused to leave the floor. I tried till I was red in the face but even my feet did not leave the ground, forget abt my legs.Anup wud not believe me when I said I can’t lift my legs up in the air and to help me ,he caught hold of my ankles and pulled my legs up and held them straight. I warned him not to let go since it wud mean my legs crashing down and hitting him in a very sensitive point. So he let go gently and wisely moved out of the way while I struggled to hold those legs up and he wanted me to bring them down very slowly. That was much better and I had more control over my legs. But once they went back to ground they simply wud not come up.
Anup said this way I wud never get myself a flat tummy. I took that as a challenge and went off to Google and find an exercise which wud help me take off that doughnut around my waist and did not involve crunches. That’s when I hit upon something called Rhimba’s dance routine. I checked on youtube for a sample of her video and lo,behold!There is this ultra fit female who dances every dance imaginable and did it so beautifully and effortlessly, that it reminded me of my love for dancing when I was in school. I was crazy abt dancing ,and still am…I don’t think am an awesome dancer but so far no one has complained that am terrible…or maybe they were being kind.(and am determined to take advantage of their kindness) Its been years since I did a jig and I decided that this was the time to put on my dancing shoes, do something I loved and get back into shape. And so I came upon these 2 belly dancers, Veena and Neena, who demonstrated a fat burning belly dance routine.Atleast that’s the title of the video. Now before all of u conjure up images of sexy belly dancing, lemme tell u, that this routine is more like the group dance routine I did when I was in 3rd std.Hop, skip and jump with ur arms stuck out in various angles. In spite of it, I decided to start with it and its 2 weeks since I started and so far I did it 3 times. I must say I was in far better shape in 3rd std than I am now though I did not know it at the time. And so on the first day, I hopped and skipped and bobbed up and down on my toes and sweated and panted like never before while my husband turned the TV off and decided this was much funnier than the soccer match he had been watching. My heart was racing as though it was in a private running competition with some athlete. If that does not burn fat, then I don’t know what will. When I completed this routine I came upon another routine which promised to improve flexibility and keep all ur body parts in tiptop shape using basic belly dance moves. Belly dance is supposed to be very very good cos it targets individual muscles or so says Neena.(or was it Veena?Dunno)Anyway, I stood in front of the mirror and tried to pretend that the different parts of my body were independent of each other. I did pretty well at gliding my head front and back and to both sides. But when it came to the point of pretending my tummy was independent ,well, I must say things did not look so good.Veena and Neena were happily making a wave out of their respective tummies saying “in and out and in and out “with the rest of their bodies absolutely still including the fixed grins they both sported(As though making waves with their tummies was the ultimate fantasy of their lives or sumthing) whereas my tummy seemed to be acting like a nice round boulder and not moving in or out unless I moved my feet as well(in which case my entire body from top to toe moved)..And though I did not have a fixed grin, I definitely had my tongue hanging out…So that’s something. I looked and looked in the mirror and I cud not see even the tiniest wave coming out of the boulder. Anyway we gave up on the tummy and then moved on to another exercise which required me to make a snake out of my arm. and though I was not as good as them ,it was loads better than the tummy.(The day my arms refuse to move independent of my body, I give up on life.huh!).I did not complete that routine. And consoled myself saying that after I burn the fat, I’ll be able to make waves using my tummy.
The next day my legs acted up. The fat burning routine had a lot of exercises which u had to do on ur toes with a voice chirping in the background “Jump jump ,twist,jump jump twist”.They are supposed to be good for ur calves.Well,for the next 3 days ,I had to be wobbling around cos my calves were aching so much. So no dancing for 3 days and then the fourth day I forgot to dance. And so it was a week later when I got back to the hop, skip, jump routine….and then there was work and a lot of other commitments…Ok .Am making pretty lame excuses.
And starting today am determined to stick to my fat burning routine and get rid of the roll….come what may .Some day ,I too shall hop , skip and jump effortlessly with a goofy grin on my face like Neena and Veena …Some day, I too shall make waves with my tummy… Some day, humpty dumpty too shall dance like Madhuri :-)