The screaming witch makes a comeback!!!

The last 2 days have resulted in a lot of soul searching...or maybe I shud say the soul searching has been going on for a month but I kept pretending that I did not see it....until today afternoon in a mail to a friend,the cork flew off the bottle and out spilled feelings and thots I had not known existed or rather not acknowledged...For the major part of this year,I have had a feeling that something within me is just not right though I cud not pinpoint it.I asked Anup if I had changed from the woman he fell in love with and he said No..but deep within me,that part of me that has never been wrong,still sent rippling waves that left me feeling disturbed without knowing why...From being a person who was never scared of the world,of what ppl thought,who did just what she felt was right,I became some one who worried abt what ppl thought though I wud not admit it,stopped taking any risks and shut myself up deep inside me...There were a lot of incidents earlier this year that were traumatic..and I suspect they affected me much more deeply than I thot cos the rebel that was me began to conform to the rules...I am not blaming anyone for it...cos its not the responsibility of other ppl to change so that I feel happy...Basically what am trying to say is that I did not handle it all well,I let it affect me and change me in ways that are not acceptable...i cannot change back in just one night..but I can try,,,and try I shall...cos I must if I want to be myself again,if I want the peace I once had...irrespective of what happened in the world or around me....if I want back the strength that was once mine....if i want all the small lovely crazy dreams that I dreamt to stay alive and not die down under the heaviness of my fears...if i want to learn to dance to my own tunes again instead of a sedate walk which is not mine....if I want to learn to fly again without the fear of falling...if I am to enjoy the freedom of flying...if I am to trust again...not just myself but God too....There was a time when I took every risk knowing that God held me close...From being a woman who thot nothing of travelling alone at 3 in the morning I became someone who shrinks from going to the supermarket in broad daylight...I shoved it off as laziness but maybe it was more than that...I dont know...Last week at a fair,I saw a stall for bungee jumping...since I was in my teens,I had promised myself I wud go bungee jumping some day...relish the fear and the freedom of flying...but that day as I looked up at the not-so-tall ledge,a spark of excitement surprised me....I remembered the dream...but as I watched the young woman hold onto the ledge trying to make herself let go and jump,I said to my protesting soul,I cant do that and when it insisted,moved on with the vague excuse that it was not really high and not worth doing...and thus I managed to stay safe...Today when I was writing to friend abt a totally different matter and how I worried abt it,I remembered something I had read on the internet a long time back....
* There is a moment when a trapeze artist has to let go of one bar in order to grab the next. In that moment they are flying and have nothing to hold onto. Life can be a lot like that. We have to let go of what is in order to take the next step.
Remembering to trust the process makes that moment much easier. And it is our choice whether we focus on the freedom of flying or the fear of having nothing to hold onto. *
And something clicked....I admitted that I was scared of having nothing to hold onto where once I had delighted in the flight,of upsetting the apple cart where once I wud have cheerfully upset it and picked up the apples again.....And I acknowledged fear to be the reason why I have not been able to blog for the last 15 days...From not thinking abt what I wrote,I had gone to worrying abt writing something interesting and stopped writing altogether....I dont claim that am not scared anymore...I still am but am acknowleging it instead of pretending all is well....And now that am acknowledging it,am on the path to being the person I loved being...enjoyed with every fibre of my being...and right now while writing the post I feel exhilarated,for I have opened the door to my cage...There was a time when I felt scared of something ,I went right ahead and did it so that I wud not be scared of it anymore....and today when I started this post,I thot I wud not put it on the blog cos ppl wud not understand what am talking abt..Let me rephrase that...cos I was scared that ppl wud not understand.but frankly,it does not matter...cos I write for myself....and its my blog...and if u think this is beyond understanding then I say "Then dont read,darlings".Wow!!!The screaming witch is back with a bang and she is not going to wait for halloween this year.Yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!