A grumpy me and a soul searching “epidose”.

Last night in the midst of washing dishes, I watched some program on the telly which claimed that if u are happy u can make more money…Now I don’t believe that money makes u happy but I do think its nice to have a lil money so that u don’t have to worry abt ur next meal and can buy an occasional gift for ur loved ones. Now according to the telly,if u are happy ,then u are more pleasant and more cheerful…Well, I guess what they meant is that u have a more attractive personality and then more people like u which is directly related to ur success…and the way to be happy ? Well, they say u do what makes u happy…..as long as u feel healthy and happy ,ur success is assured…and one of the things they said that stuck in my head is this – Don’t overthink.Guilty as charged. In fact I think all women do tend to over think…it’s a common complaint that we have ,as wives,moms,sisters,about the thoughtlessness of the men in our lives.(Though as a sister, I wud say ,hands down, that my bro is the most thoughtful boy I have met in my life. Absolutely!)
But in a way it’s their thoughtlessness, or rather their tendency to not think that keeps them less stressed out ….. And also gets them into more scrapes than women.
On the other hand, maybe if we women tried to worry less, we wud really have less number of wrinkles and not have to worry abt how expensive Olay wrinkle control cream is ( and No, I don’t use it.).As they say, angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
I had been genuinely happy for the last 2 weeks and for the last 2 days, I have been at my grumpiest best.
For the last 2-3 weeks, I finally managed to forget that the 2nd guy who sits next to me, does not speak to me for reasons best known to him…Earlier, I wud have asked him why. but recently I decided that I had enuf of him…He ,for some reason, is forever bad-tempered except for the few times when he becomes cheerful and then its as refreshing as raindrops in the grass. Maybe he has his own reasons.But there is only so much u can take from anyone no matter how senior they are in rank to u….So finally I gave up…I talk to him and he does not even deign to turn his pumpkin head…not that it bothers me…It takes off any obligation I felt to ask him what happened and invariably the answer was abt how his worth was not being recognized in this project…well, that’s what everyone feels here but no point in wailing abt it since no one is gonna hear u….So all u can do is make the best of it and do what u like. Make no mistake abt it…I love my job though I may not love my current project…till last year every extra effort I put in was as a building block to the final goal of my year end appraisal…but something changed after last year’s appraisal went haywire...and I started spending less time obsessing abt everything I did at work and its consequences on my appraisal…..to me as long as am busy and I have a satisfied feeling at the end of the day, am successful…and once I took on that attitude, all of a sudden life seemed better….it hardly mattered that the second guy is “speechless” with me and may make a mess of my appraisal..well,if he does, more power to him…at least lets hope he enjoys doing it…cos as far as I was concerned I had let go…and I still gave 100 percent to my job…and hurried home to my crafts.
And then in the last 2 days, something happened that worried me so much that I nearly went over the edge….and then I learnt that as easy as some people find it to forgive someone, forgetting the mistake is even tuffer….or nearly impossible….even when we manage to suppress memories from ages ago, we never really forget them…and each time they rise up, they bring with them the resentment associated with the memory…..
None of us are perfect …Or as God’s creations we are all perfect in way that we don’t realize…We all make mistakes .To err is human but to forgive is divine.... Forgiveness is not a privilege to give and take away as u please…it’s a gift of love…an act of kindness which probably means more to the receiver than we will ever know… Forgiveness does not mean that when everything is hunky dory we are nice to that person and the moment we have an argument, Wham! we bring up old mistakes up as ammunition. There is nothing more painful than having a mistake from years ago thrown in the face at every chance….and its unfair…and most of the time, its done to a loved one. Why? Cos they will put up with it? Cos they don’t have a choice? Cos we may mean everything in the world to them and they can’t leave us even when we deal them low blows?
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean to forget but it does mean letting go…If we cant do that then we may as well not forgive…For all we know, the other person wud find it easier to live with the knowledge of us not having forgiven them than having us hit them one below the belt out of the…You might think they deserve it but its not for u to judge ,unless u can ,in complete honesty, say that u have never made a mistake….(in which case,please,here is the pedestal. Do climb up and make urself at home!)The only defense the other person will have is to pull out past mistakes that we made…even when they don’t want to…and with all that mudslinging going on, the only thing achieved is destroying a beautiful relationship. But pushed into a corner, it’s the human nature to flee or fight…and when u love someone ,no matter what they hurl at u,u cant flee…where wud u go? Away from them? Keep trying…and if u manage to do it, then do let me in on the secret.…Just cos someone does not love us the way we want them to, does not mean that they don’t love us with all they have…they do…and we have to realize it AND remember it…Just cos 2 people don’t argue, does not mean that they love each other…Just cos 2 people argue, it does not mean that that they don’t love each other. Everyone is vulnerable.
Each day is a new one…There is no point dwelling on the past…Life is too short... Kindness, forgiveness, love…these are all gifts that God gave us to see what we wud do with them.As the poem the Prayer goes…



When the stinging ant turned your tender skin red,
And you did not squash it dead---
When you set that unfortunate fly free,
Struggling in your cup of morning tea...
When you patted a stray dog's head
When he was lonely, his honest eyes said...
When you let that baby mouse secretly eat,
The remaining half of your favourite sweetmeat.

When with your first morsel you feed,
The tiny bird in search of seed---
When the struggling sprouting, you planted firm,
Your spade prevented from cutting that wriggling worm.

When somebody's mother, you helped the highway cross,
When your eye watered at an unknown's loss---
The silent wish for his welfare made,
One, who for you, hurdles laid.

The precious minute spent beside,
An ailing soul's bedside---
The special second stood by,
One departing, silently saying a last good-bye.

More holy than the verses you utter,
Than all the beads you recite, far better---
In little things lies the biggest Test.
If you can stand that, you Pray the best!!!

Sometimes when I write, I write simply to sort things out in my head and to get my perspective back…Coming back to the telly show, they also suggested practicing a kind act a day and remembering, at the end of each day, 3 things that made you smile during the day. Well, the day is just half done and yet I can remember at least 2 things that made grumpy me smile today…On a closing note…here is another favorite poem of mine which I guess describes a kind act….

Is anybody happier
Because YOU passed this way?
Does anyone remember
That YOU spoke to them today?

The day is almost over,
And its toiling time is through,
Is there anyone to utter
Now a kindly word of YOU?

Can YOU say tonight in parting
With the day that's slipping fast...
That YOU helped a single person
Of the many that you passed?

Is a single heart rejoicing
Over what YOU did or said?
Does the one whose hopes were fading
Now with courage look ahead?

Did YOU waste the day or use it?
Was it well or sorely spent?
Did YOU leave a trail of kindness,
Or a scar of discontent?

As YOU close your eyes in slumber,
Do you think that God will say...
"There is my most loved child”
By what you did today?


And that ,I guess, would describe success.Sometimes,God does like to throw a spanner in the works for nothing else if not to make us stop,take stock and get our perspective on whats important back.