I want to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Sometimes when am reading, I come across some bit of wisdom or the other which sticks to my brain like lint. I wonder if it is the same way for everyone or if its just that my brain acts like some kind of lint picker and homes in on such random bits of advice. Just yesterday I read this book called The undomestic Goddess. It was one of those books which are fun, exaggerated and utterly forgiving to women. Or call it chicklit.Thats when this jewel popped out at me. The mom of the tall dark handsome man advices the distressed heroine thus “Don’t beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers. Its not necessary to always be clear about where you are going. Sometimes, its just enough to know what you are going to do next”. To this the damsel tearfully asks “And what am I going to do next?” .And with a smile, mom replies “You are going to shell peas”.
In a nutshell, the protagonist is a high flying young never-make-a-mistake lawyer who had given up 7 years of her life to her work and was rewarded by being made a partner in the firm.5 minutes later she finds that she has made a mistake which loses her client 50 million and the shock of it drives her into running away. She is fired and becomes the butt of all lawyer jokes on the internet. And inadvertently lands a job as a housekeeper for which she is ill-fitted. While she struggles to come to terms with her world being turned topsy turvy and cope with the rejection of her former colleagues, she also learns to take pleasure in the simple luxuries of life, such as smelling a freshly baked loaf of bread. After days of beating herself up for her mistake, she finally discovers that she had never made a mistake and had actually been set up by one of the senior partners in the firm.
Sounds idyllic? It really is not. Women today are more or less like her. We drive ourselves to achieve everything and pride ourselves in doing it all and doing it well. We believe that we have to know it all, fix it all and always be on the go. Though it was a caricature, a lot of things in the book were too close to the truth.Atleast for me. I beat myself up when I make a mistake at work, at home or lose my temper .Maybe not so much ever since the disappointment of the last year-end appraisal. I beat myself up for losing my temper maybe cos I have a husband who is so good at controlling his temper that I have awfully high standards to live up to. Before marriage even when I did lose it, I knew when it was with just cause and when it was not. If it was not, I wud apologise.But after marriage ,I seem to have a conflict of conscience. Even when I know I am right, it rankles when I know Anup is not happy;Not that the dear man has ever demanded that I do as he pleases...For him,my staying happy has always been a priority.. Its tuf cos am too used to doing what I think is right and if I don’t think something is right or necessary, then I do not do it. But as per my hubby, some things have to be done for the sake of loved ones irrespective of whether it feels right or wrong. If that is the case, then why bother to think? Why is it that you bend only for your loved ones?
In the soul searching which followed for several days, I wondered if I was wrong. If all I believed in was wrong. If it really did not matter that you were able to look in the mirror at yourself, knowing you have done right simply cos everyone around you were happy with you. I wondered if I lacked compassion. Compassion – the literal term of the word is to share willingly in another’s suffering.
Maybe I do or maybe I don’t .I even wondered if I was missing something, if I lacked compassion cos I did not see the suffering which is supposedly happening. I searched deep inside me. My instincts which had never failed me when I listened to them still tell me that I did nothing wrong except to lose my temper. They still tell me that my words were not wrong but that they were spoken in anger which was wrong. Like some wise soul said, sometimes when you are angry, you have the right to be angry but it does not give u the right to be cruel. So I asked myself if I had been cruel.No.I had not. I had merely defended myself.
Sometimes its tuf to see clearly thru the fog of other’s expectations to what is right and what is wrong. I beat myself up for not knowing the answer to this riddle. What is right? Is compassion and kindness about being still and unresponsive even when someone abuses you? Does compassion mean going totally out of your way and doing what does not feel right to you, simply cos it may alleviate the suffering of a loved one? It’s an instinct in all of us. The instinct to protect our loved ones from pain. I shud know. I pray for life to be kind to my lil bro,He is just starting out on his career and I worry abt him.I wish I cud walk beside him and warn him about the parasites, the people who stab you in the back, the people who use u to meet their needs. I pray that he has an easy life and all his struggles be mine. And while I do that, I know it will not be so. I know he has to go thru the rotten tomatoes himself to grow strong. I know he has to make mistakes to learn and get hurt but become stronger in the process. Still it does not stop me from praying.
I am only human and I make mistakes. Its ok to make mistakes. I don’t always have to be perfect. I don’t always have to have all the answers. Even when I make a mistake am still a good and worthy person. Just because a person I love thinks am wrong, does not necessarily mean am wrong.
Recently, I read this book written by a lady called Anne Quendlin.The book was about her dog, Beau.It was a small book. The kind which wud take me less than an hour to read. In it she quoted some great soul as saying “I want to be the person my dog thinks I am”. Maybe it was cos the quote was so quaint that it set me thinking. What kind of a person did my dog think I am? Anne went on to say that her dog expected her to roll with the punches and take life as it comes. When I thought of my own dog, I really don’t think those are her expectations of me. She probably expects me to sit by her all day long while she sleeps and when she does wake up ,I shud have a few treats at hand, take her on a nice long walk, root amongst the grass and then scratch her ears, play with her, chase the odd cat so that she does not have to and then sit beside her while she goes back to sleep. She does not expect me stay up late, meet my deadlines, cook awesome meals, look beautiful and be nice to anyone else except her. She just expects me to be happy. Pretty uncomplicated,huh? To her its just enuf that we know what we are going to do next.
To my dog, if I have a treat for her, I am compassionate, beautiful and the best thing in the world after a drive in the car with the windows rolled down.Boy,oh,boy. Anyday, I’d choose my dog over people.

In a conversation with my mom,there came up the topic of the deity of Pisharikavu temple.The deity,Pisharikavillamma, is said to be of roudrabhavam( fierce in nature) but at the same time the most tender Mother.I wondered naively,when does the Goddess become fierce? What invoked her wrath?When her tenderness was mistaken for her weakness and abused?
Was that when she blazed with fury?
Chuckle ...I will never know...will I?As the poem Unfold the Rosebud goes..

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers
It is not known to such as I.
God opens this flower so sweetly,
When in my hands they fade and die.
If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I think, I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine;
So, I'll trust Her for Her leading
Each moment of everyday
I look to Her for Her guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way;
The pathway that lies before me
Only She truly knows
I'll trust in Her to unfold the moments
Just as She unfolds the rose.

:-) I'll leave you on that note...